


ABC's (Shadows in the Letters Remix)

by Eustacia Vye (eustaciavye)



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-05
Updated: 2010-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-09 07:56:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/84790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eustaciavye/pseuds/Eustacia%20Vye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Watching River try to teach Jayne had been amusing. Zoe watches people more now, and she could see what River couldn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ABC's (Shadows in the Letters Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [be_themoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/be_themoon/gifts).
  * Inspired by [ABC's](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/640) by Be_themoon. 



Zoe watched people a lot more now than she used to. She was a sharp judge of character, watching how people behaved. Growing up on a transport had been an interesting experience; by the time she joined the Independents, she was old hat at reading the way people moved. She hadn't felt the need to do it quite as much when Wash was around; his internal barometer was just as good as hers, and he had a way of disarming people that Zoe never developed.

But now that she was alone again, she fell back into her old habit of watching people. It was the way to feel safe, to know what was going on around her before bad things happened again.

It was amusing to watch River try to teach Jayne the alphabet while he was cleaning his knives. He grunted at her, barely looking at the board. When he did, Zoe could see that there was no recognition whatsoever, not like the recognition he had for his guns or his knives. He had lied to River, of course. Why would he want to admit he couldn't read? He might have heard of the alphabet, but it was a strange cipher for all that he understood it. River was patient, Zoe had to give her that. Zoe wouldn't have been able to go through the whole alphabet with singsong rhymes for each one. If she was growled at, she would have walked away. As it was, the novelty wore off by the time River got to E is for elephant, and Zoe walked away.

 

Later that night, she couldn't sleep. It had happened often enough after Wash died -- _murdered, speared, killed, dead and not ever ever ever coming back!_ \-- that Zoe knew she wouldn't be able to force herself to rest. Sleep either came or it didn't; Zoe hated the way smoothers made her feel the next day, all numbed and blurred at the edges so she couldn't stand on constant watch. Tonight was a night when sleep wasn't coming. Once in a lucid period, River had mentioned that making herself tired worked better than any smoother Simon could give her. It was worth a shot, at least.

Zoe pulled on her clothes and walked up and down the length of the hallways. She passed by the cargo bay and heard a noise, the soft susurrus of voices just beyond her hearing. She crept forward and looked down into the bay.

River was standing there beside Jayne, her hand light on his crossed arms. He looked thunderous, almost murderously angry. But there was something else in his expression, like a longing he would never be willing to admit to. He kept himself guarded so tightly; they'd flown on the boat for nearly four years before Zoe even discovered Jayne had a mother still living, and another year before she found out that he had a younger brother still alive. Jayne was one that guarded his secrets jealously, hoarding them like precious jewels.

River was one of those secrets now. The way he looked at her was the way Zoe had once looked at Wash, the way Kaylee stared at Simon, the way Mal sometimes looked at Inara when she wasn't looking. Jayne looked at River like something precious, something valuable and wonderful and just too far out of his reach. Jayne didn't think she could want him, didn't think she was doing anything more than making fun of him. He couldn't believe she might be telling the truth, so he covered over his fear and hurt with anger.

It was a useful shield; Zoe used sarcasm, and that shield worked just fine.

"Jayne," River said, and Zoe could hear her clearly in the quiet night. "I meant it..."

"No, you didn't," Jayne growled, and then he muttered something that Zoe couldn't hear. He yanked himself away from her, loathing in his expression. But this wasn't the same kind of loathing he had on his face when he thought of Reavers or Niska, or the anger he showed after a failed job. This was the expression he had on his face when he had failed the people of Canton, when it was obvious he was no hero.

He wanted her so badly, but couldn't believe he was worthy enough.

River was nearly in tears when he left her, boots making each stride ring out in the cargo bay. If he saw Zoe, he gave no sign.

Zoe resumed her walking through the ship, and River fell into step beside her on the way to the rec area. Her eyes were red rimmed and she sniffled occasionally, but she was otherwise silent. "You asked if he knew how to read today. He said he could, but you should've known he was lying to you about that. He's dumb, you know," Zoe told River conversationally. "He don't catch on too quick."

"Some things he does."

"Did those things ever include reading something? Did he ever seem to need any letter learning?"

River looked at Zoe sideways, assessing the sharpness of her words. River looked away again, not ready to engage Zoe's prickly grief. "I simply wished to help, so I offered to teach him in a manner that he would remember. I thought he would appreciate the gesture, that he could learn as quickly as anyone else could."

"He needs incentive, just like any man," Zoe replied with a shrug. How did she just volunteer herself to give relationship advice to the crazy psychic assassin pilot?

River sighed. "I cut him to the core, quick to assume there was nothing beneath the surface but superficial wants. The wound is too deep, and I may have destroyed the only connection possible."

_Speared in the chest, all of a sudden, red hazard lights on, head slumped down, and dear Buddha, his voice silenced forever..._

"He's alive," Zoe rasped. "There's still a chance. No connection is severed if one is still alive."

River stopped and looked at Zoe. The first mate turned her tired eyes back toward River. "So Wash still lives as well."

It stung. Zoe didn't flinch, but some part of her soul did. River flinched in kind; she hadn't meant to be mean. "We still move on," Zoe murmured. She nodded in the direction of the crew quarters. "If you're serious, you go tell him. It's over too quickly to wait and see. Don't regret it."

"Not a thing," River agreed, slowly smiling at Zoe. She gave Zoe a quick hug, then disappeared toward the crew quarters. Judging by her determined expression, River planned to head to Jayne's bunk. She might give Jayne a very visual statement of her intentions, and Jayne was a visual man more than a man of letters. He might get the message at that point.

Zoe was tired. She felt wrung out, drawn into thin, fine lines that would break if someone tugged hard enough. The other half of her was gone, never to return again. She was alone again, without Wash to steer her true.

The cockpit was empty, but Wash's dinosaurs were still there. Her lips quirked into the ghost of a smile as she touched one, as she imagined Wash's voice playacting with them. "I don't regret a thing, baby," Zoe whispered to the dinosaurs. She sat down in the pilot's chair -- _She had checked, no harpoon marks, no sign of Wash's blood, brand new as if nothing had happened..._ \-- and looked out at the stars deep in the black. Wash had loved the deep and empty sky, the wide expanse of freedom it had offered. Wash had loved it and the firefly and his dinosaurs and he had loved Zoe most of all.

Zoe closed her eyes and dreamt of Wash.


End file.
